Stalker No. 342

He (yes, I am fairly sure it's a he) has been visiting my blog 3-6 times a day since September 7, 2005. I only know one person from New Jersey, and he was a friend I'd lost in the thick of 2003, when I was still miserable, when I was still trying to find myself. Once, he left a message on my blog, full of vitriol and bitterness (and understandably so), then when I outed him a few days later, he stopped visiting for a good long while. Now, he's back.



Is he checking my blog for possible ammunition that he can use against me? I don't want to think so: he is a good man, a wonderful father and husband, and when we were friends, he never betrayed me or acted against me in any way. When I disappeared from that scene, it was nothing personal. I didn't intend to hurt him or anyone else: I was only preserving myself. I had to sacrifice many things then, and unfortunately, one of those things was my friendship with him. I do miss him, and I still think about him sometimes. I wonder how he is, and I hope and pray that he's happy, wherever he is, and whatever he's doing. A part of me wants to believe that he is reading my online journal in the hopes of possibly rekindling our friendship, now that we've both grown and healed. But then that might be asking for too much: people are only capable of so much forgiveness.

This time, in the spirit of coming full circle and acknowledging my past mistakes, I am telling my New Jersey stalker: let's talk. You know how to reach me: the numbers, and the email addresses, are the same. Let's remedy what can be remedied. Unlike before, this might be our first step towards something real.