The Explanation

Events and circumstances conspired to make Christmas in 2005 the most horrible yet, though I am trying to maintain a positive attitude.

I texted friends and loved ones: "So I have resigned. It's funny how things work out." Within the day, I received a barrage of messages and calls asking what happened, why I'd left a job that I professed love for, and if I was ok. I didn't reply to all of them because I am still myself trying to come to terms with what happened.

So, what did happen?

My boss called me into her office late that afternoon. I already sensed something was wrong weeks and weeks before this. I'd been getting funny looks from the higher-ups, and there was a general decrease in enthusiasm on her part since our tour in Navotas ended.

Do you feel you are doing a good job?, she asks.

I feel that I could do better, I say.

Then you agree with me that it might be better if the foundation was run by someone who had more experience with this kind of work? I don't know what direction you're taking the foundation, she explains.

I'm learning as I go along, I reply, you hired me knowing that I had no experience with NGO work.

Yes, but I thought that we would be able to work that out. As it stands, it looks like I may need someone better equipped to run things. I don't want to have to supervise it, like the way I do with you, since I have other businesses to take care of, she adds.

Ok. Then I'll hand in my resignation letter, I say.

It's nothing personal against you, she says, I feel awful doing this. I like you, I really do. I'll help you find work elsewhere. I'll keep in touch.

She was sad to do this to me two days before Christmas, but she reasoned that it would be better to do this now, so I could start fresh next year. Keeping a stiff upper lip, I turned over the files to her, and bid my officemates goodbye.

Just like that, I am back to square one.

And strangely enough, I feel free.

As most of you know, this has been my most challenging job yet. Though I did not know how, I had to try to build the structure of the foundation from the ground up. Because my boss did not want to hire anyone else to assist in the day-to-day operations of the foundation, I had to do everything myself, from choosing over 500 new books to include in the library, making stickers, driving long distances to bring speakers and story-tellers to the schools, to drafting sponsorship letters, etc.

In effect, because I was pre-occupied with doing other work that I should not have been doing, I was not able to concentrate on my core competencies (fund-raising and communications). I lost 25 pounds in three months because of stress and exhaustion.

But I believed in the nobility of the cause. I believed in what I was doing, and though there were many days when I felt blind and I didn't know how to go about things, I know I did the best that I could. Since the Navotas tour ended, I admit that I should have run the projects better than I did. I could have booked the schools for the next tour earlier, I could have done many things much more efficiently than I did, I could have planned better and I could have executed projects more smoothly than I did. But what's done is done. I became wiser because of this: hopefully, with my next job, I will be able to use what I learned here.

In the end, I was not ready for the demands of this job. But I was able to learn many things I would not have otherwise learned elsewhere. I met a lot of wonderful people with whom I have become great friends: Kuya Bodjie, Brian Vallesteros, the ALITAPTAP storytellers, among others. I was able to reconnect with people whom I haven't seen in years. And most of all, I gained a deeper understanding of myself.

So, the hunt begins again. Friends, if you know of any job openings in Publishing, Advertising, Teaching and now, NGO work, please let me know. Refer me, pimp me, make it known that I am ready and available. Like the last time, your assistance will be invaluable, no, necessary, for me to rise up again.

In lieu of our original plans, I have decided to go to Vigan alone this week. I will need to collect the scattered pieces of myself again, in solitude.

2006 will be better. It has to be. With your help, I will make it so.