A Promise II

"..We were wonderful traveling companions but in the end no more than lonely lumps of metal in their own separate orbits. From far off they look like beautiful shooting stars, but in reality, they're nothing more than prisons, where each of us is locked up alone, going nowhere. When the orbits of these two satellites of ours happen to cross paths, we could be together. Maybe even open our hearts to each other. But that was only for the briefest moment. In the next instant, we'd be in absolute solitude. Until we burned up and became nothing."

- Sputnik Sweetheart, Haruki Murakami

And that is all I want: to find an Other I can be with completely and absolutely, or else diminish, fade away, become a mere blip in the vast space-time continuum. There are moments of genuine connection, when we forget to put up our walls, and shed everything that prevents us from true engagement: fear, shame, doubt. But it happens rarely, when one least expects it to, which is why one must always be on the look-out for all sorts of possiblities, even those which one would never dare verbalize nor acknowledge. For instance: gender should never play a part in deciding on matters of intimacy or fellowship, nor should age, socio-economic standing and class. Man, woman, imp, child, tribal princess, carinderia vendor, CEO, watch maker, Juan, Juanita: we are all one and the same, we all want the same things. Let Jung be right, that we share a collective unconsciousness, because I cannot fathom a world where we are all uniquely and individually doomed to be alone. I would not want to live in that world. I would rather die.

I am determined to love, without seeking recompense, without even necessarily consumating my desire. I will love. At 26, I will finally know what the word means. I stand on the edge of a new world, bereft of my weapons, feeling my new self rise up to the surface of my being, raw, potent, powerful. If last year, I promised myself I would live, this year, I know it, so much so that my body is moved by it: I will love.