Five Things I Learned In Bangkok

- Smile discriminately.

If you happen to throw the slightest shadow of a smile at any YHWM (Yucky Hairy White Man) by accident, he will hound you for at least three hours before giving up the dream of getting into your pants/skirt.

Do not think that being with your mother will deter YHWMs - in fact, this will challenge them even more ("you and your mum look mighty fine, can we buy you drinks?", said through clouds of B.O. and bad breath). To deter YHWMs, wear a ring on your ring finger and say that you are married and very devoted to your husband who is a 4th dan blackbelter in the Abu Sayaff.

Remember this rule especially when riding the Sky Train, and when dancing in the rowdy clubs on Patpong.

- Cute backpackers abound.

Attractive members of the male and female human species of all races (most especially from Europe and the Americas) can be found everywhere in the city. They usually sport flip-flops, white tank tops and surfer shorts, and have less than an intimate acquiantance with the inside of a shower stall. It is easy to strike up casual conversations with them, but be sure to hold your breath when they try to kiss you.

Condoms are also available up to size XXXL in regular supermarkets.

- Skin cancer is a very real possibility.

When walking under the oppressive heat of the Ayutthaya sun, so intense even the layers under your epidermis are sweating, remember to wear sunblock and/or bring an umbrella.

- Haggling is fun!

Even when the vendor is already near tears, press on. Every baht counts. But I bought dis fohr twenty, i cannot sell for tehn!, they will cry, but do not listen to them: they will do anything to make a sale.

- Mabubusog ka na sa 15-20 Baht.

Street hawkers and carinderias here sell filling, delicious meals for less than 20 Baht. This rule only applies to those who have cast-iron stomachs and adventurous palates.

Pictures to follow. Songkran madness and market vignettes to come.